“The
physically ailing can go to the doctor…An ailing doctor can go to a fellow
doctor when he is incapable of curing his own ailment…This moral cleanser and
healer, has nowhere to go, but to his tainted old self…” murmured the priest,
clasping hard a photo in his left hand, even as he placed his right hand on the
carvings of a confession box. “My disease is prone to turn terminal if shared
with another member of the church.”
“Never
thought that I would ever set my foot in this place…” came a voice from behind
him that startled Priest Dominique, who quickly shoved the photo back into his
pocket and looked at the owner of the voice.
“At
least not as long as I still breathed.” The burly man, with a thick set of
moustache and a stupendous beer belly, eyed the inside of the church. His blood
shot eyes seemed to emanate disgust, and his mouth murmured curses, too rotten
to be spoken any louder for the sanctity of the place. The puffy sacks below
his eyes, the thinning of his greying hair, his shivering hands and blackened
lips indicated great turmoil in the recent past.
“I
couldn’t have been happier to see you here, Barry,” said the priest clearly
surprised. “The Lord’s gates are always open even for those greatly sinned
souls…especially when in desperate need of redemption,” said Priest Dominique.
The pudgy forty five year old man, with a neatly trimmed grey beard, golden
rimmed glasses and a long nose, beamed at the unlikely visitor to his church,
seated askance before him. The whiteness of his teeth and the smoothness of his
clerical outfit proved a sharp contrast to his child hood friend, who sat
before him with a t-shirt, greatly ruffled, and drenched in sweat.
Barry’s
gaze, which was all along moving over the beautifully crafted exterior of the
confession box, quickly fell on Priest Dominique, when the words ‘sinned souls’
singed his ears… and heart.
For some unknown reason, Priest
Dominique felt an unprecedented chill as his gaze met that of his friend’s.
That was strange, for a priest who, during his missionary days, had worked with
people with incomprehensible mental illnesses and those having committed the
most heinous crimes. Never had he seen such remorse and self loathe in a
person’s eyes, as he was seeing then in Barry’s eyes.
Fortunately
for him, Barry didn’t have a will strong enough to let the priest, peer into
his tainted soul, for too long a time. Silence ensued, as Barry once again
focused on the confession box not too far from them.
“Beautiful,
aren’t they?” said Priest Dominique, attempting to break the awkward silence.
“A bunch of white lilies at the top, a passion flower at the center, two
daffodils on either side of the passion flower, and a solitary rose, on the
bottom of the passion flower. Willard’s youngest son Holly worked on them.
Talented kid...Too bad he died of Cholera five years ago. The Lord seems to
take back the purest and the most talented of us rather swiftly. It’s as if He
realized that He had erred in sending them into this world, well before the
world became worthy enough to have them.”
“And then your
‘Lord’ leaves back trash like me in this giant trash can called earth...”
scoffed Barry in his usual incredulous way.
Priest Dominique
wiped his forehead which was perspiring much more than usual. He once again
sought the help of the artwork on the confession box to distract Barry’s
attention.
“Do you know what
each of those flowers stand for? The rose represents Christ’s sacrificial
blood, reminding us that he has already paid for all our sins by sacrificing
himself. The daffodil represents eternal
life. The white lily represents Christ’s purity. And finally the passion flower
reminds us of Christ’s wounds. Quite apt, aren’t they? To adorn a confession
box.”
“Apt indeed. The
confession box is quite apt to represent the fallacy of your religion...and the
fallacy of your God!” Barry spat hard at the floor, beside the priest’s feet.
“You can commit all sorts of sins, and then walk into that, and come out clean
and purified? What is that? A car wash?”
“Now now, Barry.
It is not very decent to-”
“To what? To
question your beliefs and point out the errors in your ways?” asked Barry with
a snicker.
“To spit on a
floor that was just an hour ago wiped clean by a sixty year old church worker.
Judelyn spent over 3 hours cleaning the church floors. Even God can’t save you
from her fury if she saw you ruining her work,” Priest Dominique laughed in an
obviously pretentious manner, as he wiped the spit off the floor using a tissue
paper that he had just brought out of a shelf from nearby.
“You have the
right to question the ways of all the religions of the world...You might
question the existence of a God...Nobody is going to oppose that right of
yours...at least not any decent and secure human being will...But I’m not going
to lecture you on my point of view nor entertain yours any longer. We’ve done
that for well over three decades now...right from our school days, when our
paths diverged,” said Priest Dominque mustering what little courage he had, to
display his annoyance at Barry’s behavior.
“Our paths didn’t
diverge that much mate...You believed in an imaginary friend. I didn’t. That’s
the only difference. But we lived a very similar life, if you think about it,”
said Barry, as if he was recounting his teenage years. “A life of nothingness,
boredom and restrictions that prevented us from exercising our right to satisfy
our primal needs.” Barry walked closer to the confession box, as he spoke,
eyeing the flowers more closely.
“Huh? What are you
on about?” asked Priest Dominique, not sure where the conversation was heading
towards.
“You wore the
garb...You took the cross. I didn’t. But I lived a life very similar to yours. I
didn’t go out and live to my heart’s desire!” yelled Barry, slamming his hand
against confession box. “All because of people like you and your ramblings of
morality.”
“I…I still don’t
get it…What are we talking about again?” asked Priest Dominique genuinely
perplexed.
“Alright I drank…I
had my occasional puff…but that was about it. I didn’t even touch a single
woman before Stacy…” Priest Dominique could hear a quiver in Barry’s tone, even
though he could not see the man’s face.
“And shouldn’t you
be proud of your loyalty?” asked Priest Dominique looking more uncomfortable
with each passing moment.
“Don’t!” yelled
Barry, before he lowered his head and covered his face with his palm. The
throbbing vein at the side of his neck revealed that he was greatly stressed.
“Don’t speak about loyalty…not to me…not now…”
The priest was
surprised to see his exact thoughts being reiterated back by his friend. ‘What
did he know? Or did he know anything at all?’ Priest Dominique allowed Barry to
spend a few more moments as little sobs emerged from his lowered head.
“Whatever bothers you, my friend…it can all be corrected…”
“Not this one…Not
ever…” Barry’s entire body shook, much to the surprise of the priest, who
mistook his sobbing to some emotional outbreak predating an aggressive action.
“Now Barry…We can
talk our hearts out to each other…We don’t need to suffer…All can be forgiven…”
said Priest Dominique, gently backing away from Barry, not comfortable one bit.
“I am sorry…I’m
sorry for what was done…” bellowed Barry, colorless fluid spilling out of his
every facial orifice. “I’ve been good all my life…I don’t deserve this…I’ve
never betrayed anyone! I don’t deserve this…”
Priest Dominique
was horrified more than before, even as his heart felt heavy and his lips
quivered seeing his friend in that pitiful and terrifying state. He wanted to speak,
but no words came out. Plain air escaped his lips, followed by a gasp, half
gulped back in.
Then it all
happened in a moment. Barry quickly moved toward the priest, who upon seeing
his movement, covered his face as if expecting a thunderous blow. “No
Barry…no…let me ex-“ Priest Dominique began to beg, but stopped mid-sentence
when he saw Barry falling at his feet, crying like a toddler, his entire body
shaking.
“Adultery...I
can’t bear it…I just can’t…” sobbed Barry, holding tightly the priest’s legs.
Priest Dominique bent down and touched Barry’s shoulders too afraid what his
next move would be. His terminal psychological illness seemed to hurt him more
now than ever. How desperately he needed a healer.
“What? How?” were
the only words that came out of Priest Dominque’s lips, even as he gazed
helplessly at the man at his feet. What was he to feel? He didn’t know. But he
was feeling a whole lot of emotions. Anger, resentment, guilt, pity, fear,
hopelessness, they all bombarded Priest Dominique’s mind.
“I slept with
someone…and it wasn’t Stacy…” murmured Barry, his body shaking more than ever,
his head still facing the ground.
Priest Dominique
was now bombarded with two primary emotions. Surprise and a partial relief…Why?
The reason for the former, he knew…the latter, though should have been obvious
to him, temporarily appeared unclear. But he was suddenly much more confident,
and light.
“Come on,
Barry…Get yourself a chair and talk to me” said Priest Dominique as he lifted
his friend up from his knees.
The two then moved
to the chairs closer to the confession box and began their conversation.
“It happened last
night, Mose…Sorry Priest Dominique” corrected Barry. He was suddenly much more
polite and submissive than how he appeared when he first entered the church.
“You can call me
by my first name, Barry…I’m here first as a friend,” said Priest Mose Dominique
patting Barry’s slouching shoulders.
“You know me for
years now, Mose…We’ve been in the same school, living in the same neighborhood,
played together, travelled together. We’ve seen many similar things, been with
many similar people. You know most people that I know. You know how things were
during our younger days. How our friends were…How our schoolmates were…”
“Yes, I do…We’ve
seen, been, and done many similar things…” replied Mose uneasily.
“Despite us coming
from a very conservative catholic society, you know that most youngsters of our
time did many things that were not accepted and approved by our society. They
did drugs, got drunk, slept with random strangers, gambled and what not. But
they all did it in secrecy. None of their more conservative family members knew
anything about their activities. And they themselves weren’t guilty about
anything.”
“I know…but what’s
that got to do with anything?” asked Priest Dominique running low on patience.
“I’m getting
there…I too got drunk once in a while…I too smoked…but I felt tremendous guilt
about it all. I’m not a believer of God nor a follower of religion. But you
know my old man. He was…old school. He had morals…he believed in principles. He
was a strict disciplinarian and didn’t approve of things that easily. And I was
afraid of him…I longed for his approval in everything. And I was conditioned
into doing only things that were accepted by him. And he accepted very few
things. I felt guilty for my occasional smoke and my occasional drink…and yet I
saw people all around me doing all sorts of things perceived as bad by their
more conservative family members and got away with it all. I saw Jennlyn and
Matt kissing in the barnyard…I saw Willard and Kimberly hooking up at the
school science laboratory. I saw Stuart, John and Teddy often making visits to
the strip club and the brothel at Avenue 5.”
“And why does all
that have to bother you?” asked Priest Dominique hardly recognizing half the
names being mentioned by his friend.
“It bothered me
because I too wanted to be like them, but couldn’t because of my mental
conditioning and the guilt that came along with it” bellowed Barry in a
frustrated tone. “I so wanted to be with all those beautiful women. I really
wanted to be free and liberated. I didn’t believe in going to hell. But I could
visualize the disapproving gaze from my father. That was colder than the
seventh circle of hell...That made me live a life of strict adherence. I didn’t
do anything wild or exciting. I felt dissatisfied. I felt envious seeing all of
my friends and school mates and neighbors doing stuff that I so longed to do
when I grew into an adult and getting away with it all, but I couldn’t. That
drove me nuts. I drank more…smoked more…to numb my guilt. To satisfy myself
that I am being rebellious enough…at the same time preventing myself from doing
the more rebellious thing of sleeping with random women. Does any of this make
any sense to you?”
“You mean to say
you were ashamed of yourself for not standing up to your father. At the same
time, you didn’t want to do anything that he didn’t give his approval for. You
were having thoughts that contradicted each other. And you used booze as your
excuse to overcome those contradicting thoughts. And that made you feel more
bitter. Is my understanding, correct?” asked Priest Dominique reminiscing his
own inner turmoil back in his teens.
“It was indeed a
very confusing phase of our lives. But you were able to stay afloat during
those tumultuous years where our hormones mess with our sanity.”
Priest Dominique once again grew impatient and
restless. What inner demons had troubled him, only he knew. What inner demons
troubled him presently, he wished to keep it to himself.
“No man is saint,
my friend. I’ve had my share of sins. I still do…” said Priest Dominique in an
absent-minded manner.
Barry gazed at his
friend for a moment, before continuing on with his own lamentations.
“Whatever…you have
done far better than I could ever hope for. As I was saying, I had my desires,
but I didn’t have the guts. I suffered seeing others enjoy what I could never
enjoy. Then I met Stacy. We fell in love. Our families came together and our
wedding happened. For twelve years I remained loyal to her. I won’t lie that I
haven’t been interested in other women. I’ve fantasized…but fantasies they had
remained…until a few days ago. I hooked up with a woman in Tulio’s bar. We were
both drunk. I was emotionally low…severely confused…more than usual. And I did the
sin of sleeping with another woman without my wife’s knowledge,” Barry broke
down once again.
Priest Dominique
could sense genuine regret and shame in his friend’s voice. He wasn’t faking
it. Priest Dominique knew that for sure.
“Well Barry…I’m
sorry to hea-“
“No! Stop your
condescending tone. Don’t look at me like that!” yelled Barry, all of a sudden
like a mad man. Priest Dominique moved back a little, genuinely startled. “You
don’t know what was going through my mind…You don’t know what’s been happening
in my life in the past few months! You don’t know what challenges I and Stacy
are facing, as a couple! So, don’t you dare judge me!”
Priest Dominique
knew that the reason for Barry’s sudden aggressiveness was his own guilt and accusative
inner voice that was probably condemning him incessantly. Priest Dominique even
wondered if Barry’s inner voice belonged to that of his father, the one person
whose approval he most sought and whose condemnation he most dreaded. But he
was not willing to enquire Barry about it. His interest lay more in what Barry
had to say about his relationship with his wife Stacy.
“I have no
authority to judge or accuse you, Barry…I’m here to heal, not prod your wounds…And
what are these challenges…If I may ask?” Priest Dominique contradicted his own
words.
“I don’t know…I
can’t think straight man!” Barry yelled, before breaking down once again.
Priest Dominique gave him a comforting hug and rubbed his back.
“You can talk to
me about anything, Barry…Trust me, I’m here to help…” said Priest Dominique in
a compassionate tone. “What’s happening between you and Stacy?”
“I…I am not sure, Mose…But
I think…I think she is cheating on me, man…”
Priest Dominique
removed his hand slowly from over Barry, as a look of terror appeared over his
face. “What? I…I can’t…” Priest Dominique seemed to have lost his ability to
speak for a moment.
“Inconceivable,
isn’t it? Who would have thought that a seemingly conservative girl like her,
who spends most of her time in a church, is capable of something like adultery?
But I do believe there is more to her. She is hiding much from me,” said Barry
with great conviction.
“How…how are you
so sure?” asked Priest Dominique, seemingly flabbergasted.
“There are signs…I
once saw her hurriedly cutting off the phone, while I was entering the house
and she had this appearance of shame and guilt on her face…Like when a kid gets
caught red-handed stealing a cookie. When I asked about who was on the phone,
she didn’t answer properly. She tried to digress or distract me, asking about
my work or my parents. When I insisted upon the phone call, she said she had a
headache. Ten minutes later she got dressed and left the house saying she
wanted to spend some time in the church before the Lord.”
“Huh-uh…” that was
all Priest Dominique could say.
“There was this
other instance, where she was writing a letter, very late at night. I saw her
from behind a glass pane, in the yard. When I entered the room, she at once
dumped the letter into the electronic shredder…When I asked about it, she just
said that she tried her hand in poetry after being inspired by a friend, but
she was no good at it. She said she had to use the shredder because she was embarrassed
about someone seeing her ‘awful poems.’”
“I don’t think
these are valid enough reasons to suspect-“
“There is this
fragrance, Mose…This fragrance of a man’s perfume that emanates from her. I can’t
explain it, but I’m sensitive to such things…And there was of course a bite
mark on her lips. She said she had accidently hurt herself while using a fork…but
come on, she is no five-year old…And no fork in this world is as sharp…It seems
like someone had bit her lips while kissing…”
“You have such a
wild imagination, Barry…”
“My neighbor remarked
that he often saw Stacy leaving home, as soon as I left for work.”
“Neighbors”
snickered Priest Dominique with suppressed anger. “Do people not have even a
smidge of decency? Why do they pry into other people’s life? Why do they have
to report about a wife to her husband? She could have very well gone to the
market or to the church!”
“Of course, church
is where she spends a lot of time in, is what I hear from a lot of my friends,
who also frequent the church…though not as often as her…Tell me, Mose…Does she
really come here often? Do you see her spending most of her time before your
Lord?”
Priest Dominique lifted himself off his chair
and walked toward a water dispenser nearby to cool down himself with a glass of
water. He wiped his forehead with a kerchief and used a handful of water to
again wet his eyes.
“Answer me, Mose…Does
she really come here? If she isn’t…Then I think she is heading to another man’s
home behind my back…” asked Barry rushing behind him, desperately seeking for
an answer.
“No…I mean yes…Yes
she does come to the church…” hesitated Priest Dominique. “And even if you
think she is not here, it does not mean she is in the arms of another man. She
could very well be meeting her friends or spending time shopping. Why do you
act like this, Barry? You are much better than this! Do not construe such false
imagery of your own wife. I’ve known her for years…through you of course…She
does not seem the type to act the way you think. You’ve got to trust her more,
Barry…”
Barry eyed Priest
Dominique blankly for a couple moments. His nostrils seemed flared. “A familiar
fragrance…Oh gosh, what is wrong with me? Now I’m being paranoid and overly
suspicious!”
Priest Dominique
sighed and put on an angry face. “Yes, you are Barry! You just want to find an
excuse to justify your act of adultery by blaming Stacy for adultery.”
“That is
absolutely not true. I didn’t make up any of the things I just said. There was
the phone call, the shredded letter, the neighbor reporting, so on…” began
Barry nervously.
“Listen to
yourself? Neighbor reporting? Do you think this is a spy movie Barry? I’m not
saying all those didn’t happen, but you equating those to Stacy cheating on you
is plain wrong. Even if she was cheating on you, why couldn’t you have been a
better man and confronted her. Why couldn’t you have asked her right to her
face about who she was seeing, if at all she was…If she had been cheating, you
could have gotten a divorce from her and then moved on to find another partner
for yourself. But you didn’t do that, did you? You were just seeking an excuse
to satisfy your lust. You had wanted to sleep around ever since you were a
teenager. Sticking to one woman wasn’t enough. You feared your father’s
condemnation. And you probably married that poor girl Stacy to impress your
conservative father. Now that years have passed and your father is no longer
around to condemn you, your yearnings to sleep around have reemerged. And you
were just using your suspicions on Stacy to defend yourself and satisfy your
own guilt!”
Barry gazed at
Priest Dominique with his mouth wide open. He hadn’t expected the old priest to
be so blunt. Priest Dominique realized his mistake just moments after he had
spoken.
“You mean to say I
was wrong? That my wife Stacy was and is still a loyal wife. Did I just cheat
on her? I…I can’t believe this…” Barry knelt down with his hands on his head.
Priest Dominique
knew he had to act quick and smart.
“Now listen Barry.
I’m not saying everything to convince you that you were wrong. You know deep
inside you that what you had done was wrong. But you don’t need to fret over
this. We are humans. We tend to make mistakes. Some petty…some life changing…but
you can forgive yourself. You have to, if you want to have peace. Accept your
mistake, convince yourself that you won’t repeat it, and spend the rest of your
life taking care of that good wife of yours without hurting or suspecting her.
No man in this world is sinless. None will ever be. Learning from our mistakes
is what is important.”
Barry’s gaze was
in the distance and Priest Dominique could sense that there were a lot of
thoughts whizzing in that drunken head of his. He knew there was a lot of work
to be done. Lots of counselling. Priest Dominique gently moved Barry inside the
confession box and closed the door of the box behind him. An hour later, both
men emerged out. Barry was still teary-eyed, but there was a lot more clarity
on his face. Priest Dominique had a compassionate smile, and had his arms
around Barry, as they walked out.
“So, should I talk
to Stacey about it and apologize?” asked Barry.
“I don’t think she
would be able to take it well, Barry. You made the mistake, you accused
yourself, and you need to forgive and make peace with yourself. Stacey doesn’t
need to suffer for your sins. She would never be able to live a peaceful life
having known that her husband cheated on her. Do you want that? You would never
find in any corner of the world, a wife so loyal and loving as Stacey. Do you
want to lose her?” asked Priest Dominique.
“No! Of-course not…I…You
are right…I should not reveal my indiscretion to her. It was after all a one-night
stand…that too in a drunken state…I don’t even remember half the things that
happened” Barry snickered.
“Better that way”
smiled Priest Dominique. “Now remember this thought…Never suspect Stacey ever
again. No matter who says what. Your neighbor, your mother or even your
siblings. She is incapable of any wrongdoing. She is too innocent and old
fashioned. You should trust her whole-heartedly and defend her, even if the
whole world accuses her. You got that?”
“Yes…Yes…I will
never again suspect her…” said Barry resolutely. “That’s the least I could do
after what I’ve done…You were great Mose…I mean Priest Dominique…”
“Just doing the
good Lord’s work, my friend. Have a great life…” Priest Dominique led Barry to
the exit of the church.
Moments after
Barry’s car left the church premises, Priest Dominique returned back to the
confession box. He knelt down before it and brought the photo he had from within
his pocket. A short middle-aged blonde with curly hair and innocent looking
eyes peered at him from the photo.
“Oh, Stacey my
dear…You have to be more careful…Good thing I was there to fix it…” Priest
Dominique placed the photo before him near the confession box. So much guilt he
had carried that morning…He had betrayed the church. He had sinned before his
God, right there in that confession box with Stacey. Not once…Not twice…He had
been intimate with a woman…A woman married to his childhood friend. For long
their relationship had continued. Her church visits providing the perfect cover
and the confession box providing the perfect hideout beyond church hours. Barry
probably had his father’s condescending voice accusing him for his every
trivial sin. Priest Dominique had a million condescending voices beginning
right from his own father, to the pope whose speeches he had seen on the
television. Now many of those voices silenced. When Barry revealed his
suspicions about his wife cheating on him, Priest Dominique had suspected that
Barry had found him to be his wife’s partner. But only a few moments of
conversation were necessary to make him realize that years of drinking had
numbed Barry’s mind. It had made him lose confidence in his own judgement. It
didn’t take long for Priest Dominique to break Barry and make him suspect his
own perception of the world around him.
By doing so, he
had not only removed any traces of suspicion in Barry’s mind about his wife,
but had also made him believe that she could never be wrong. If at all he ever
suspected her, his own sin of adultery should convince him that he can’t be the
one to judge. His one hour of counselling within the confession box ensured
that Barry’s father’s voice inside Barry’s head was now replaced by Priest
Dominique’s own. He expected Barry to from here on never suspect Stacey and
also ensure that he dismissed anyone who came to him citing Stacey’s odd behavior
and secret rendezvous with some mysterious stranger.
Learning about
Barry’s own adulterous act and having conditioned his mind to the best of his
abilities to never suspect his wife, Priest Dominique felt an odd feeling of
relief. Yet there remained this nagging feeling deep inside him that continued
to accuse him. Priest Dominique knew how to ignore that feeling, even if he was
unable to silence it completely. He still had a choice to make. Could he take
this little incident that day as a sign from above that he had to change his ways?
Has He been given a chance to redeem himself? He could probably stop his
amorous affair with Stacey and let the couple live in peace. He could forgive himself
for his sins, seek forgiveness before the Lord (for no member of the church can
pardon him and let him continue to be a priest) and move on with his life,
purified and cleansed…“Like a car-wash indeed” chuckled Priest Dominique to his
own self.
Or he could just
continue on with his ways with Stacey, with far less guilt, now that Barry
wouldn’t be a problem to their relationship. He knew which was the right
decision, and which was the more pleasing one. And he continued to be torn
between the two. The “right decision” lost the tug of war, no thanks to the
voice that emanated from outside.
“Mose, dear…You
alone?”
A sly smile
appeared on Mose’s lips and he shoved the photo back in his pocket. He got
himself up and walked back gently to embrace Stacey.
“I love how you
smell, Mose…You still going to keep that perfume of yours a secret from me?”
giggled Stacey. Priest Dominique didn’t reply. He just held her close and
kissed her on the lips.
“Ouch, be gentler
dear…Your last bite hasn’t yet healed” smiled Stacey, touching her lower lip, which
had a tiny lesion. Priest Dominique removed her finger from her lip and pulled
her closer.
A long, gentler, sensual kiss between the two
erased all feelings of guilt and remorse from Priest Dominique’s mind…at least
temporarily.
- A. Prashanth
Narasimhan (SriVishnuDasan).